Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
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[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
notice
*swipes right on my hand mirror
beware of dog
Spotted in New Orleans.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
This is my pinned tweet
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper