Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
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Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
There’s always that one guy
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Awwwww shit.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.