Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
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A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.