i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
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me, after any kind of buffet.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
moms in horror movies
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!