A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
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Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.