Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
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Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
From my Mom
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
thinking about a very short hotdog
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler