My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
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Baking is just science you can eat.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Thank you corporation very cool
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Kermit goes Blue.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.