A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
You Might Also Like
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.