I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
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Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Snapes on a plane.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.