2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
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I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are