A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
You Might Also Like
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?