A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
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2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.