Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
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The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
*looks at you in batman voice*
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”