Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
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It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
a public service announcement
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?