That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
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How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Generation gap…
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell