Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
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When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
True freaking story!
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
I’m calling the cops.
uh oh
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.