Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
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Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Great Canadian literature.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers