“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
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if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up