“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
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I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
New mindset, who dis?
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”