If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
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Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.