Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
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Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.