doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
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I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
drew a comic about my origin story
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Put the is in disheveled
Just a friendly reminder!
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.