According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
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Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you