To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
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Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time