PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
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Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
See..?
.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
me as a parent
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price