Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”