man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
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I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.