“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
You Might Also Like
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.