For when Tinder doesn’t work
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Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Put the is in disheveled
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”