Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
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Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
when you don’t want to be too vague
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat