No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
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Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol