John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
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IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
an octopus is just a wet spider
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …