ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
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I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.