[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
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Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
early stone age tool
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck