Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
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As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..