If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
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We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!