I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
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Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.