My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
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Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
FRED: right
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol