Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
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I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.