Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
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“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
I feel attacked.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.