Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
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When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Cheer up.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.