All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
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Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.