Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
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[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game