[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
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“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Van Gone
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own