Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
You Might Also Like
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.