Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
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“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele