Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
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Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish