A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
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I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.