Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
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As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.