Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
You Might Also Like
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.